17/08/08

a song that i like the first time i listened to it

Hoodoo
by Muse

Come into my life,
Regress into a dream,
We will hide,
Build a new reality,
Draw another picture,
Of the life you could have had,
Follow your instincts,
And choose the other path.

You should never be afraid,
You're protected from trouble and pain,
Why, Why is this a crisis in your eyes again?

Come to be,
How did it come to be,
Tied to a railroad,
No love to set us free,
Watch our souls fade away,
And our bodies crumble in,
Don't be afraid.

I will take the blow for you.

And I've had recurring nightmares,
That I was loved for who I am,
And missed the opportunity,
To be a better man.

I don't know me... at 17/08/08 7:49 AM Sad Notes you leave for me?... (1)

15/08/08

true yet so untrue

Haha yea zy, one of the analogies I thought of, to aptly describe happiness is that we are like a child constantly chasing happiness, a big red ball. When we finally thought we have it in our hands, holding the red ball, to only realise it slips away so easily and it bounces off and rolls to somewhere further, yet near enough for us to witness where it is and the chase begins all over again. Always chasing but never having it for too long. Maybe you can call the short moments of holding the ball 'happiness' or even the chase itself as 'happiness' or, it is actually elusive as you put it and i agree with it.

For now, I hold the red ball in my hands. I guess I just have to hold on as long as possible.

Happy and satisfied with life at the moment, I hope everyone is doing fine too (who am I kidding, its A levels) nevertheless, trying hard not to sound overly-cliche but still cliche, 'time flies' and probably before we all know it, the exam ended and we are all free already in december. So yea hold on abit more.

Perfection is subjective and to me, you're indeed perfect. 58 days and counting.
I don't know me... at 15/08/08 9:12 AM Sad Notes you leave for me?... (0)

11/08/08

The weather changes with your mood

So today rained, then became sunny, then rained again, then became sunny again, then rained once again then became sunny all over again.

May I ask, do all of us deserve to be happy? If we do deserve so, then why does it come with such a great price? I am weary of battling adversities and obstacles but I know and I have told myself that I must go on.

Its amazing how you could assure me the jewels of this world, make me feel like a baby in the cradle, soundly asleep, calmly still, with the background lullaby on repeat and everything is just so sunny..

Then comes a few sentences, a few moments of thoughts, an undesirable silence, to only brew storm on the once calmed sea, the asleep baby is now howling and wailing, the lullaby disrupted, still playing... but nobody ever pays attention to it anymore..

Then maybe I am afraid, the only founded fear, the fear that I have held in my whole life since the day I begin to know things. The fear of the prosepct of trying hard and getting nothing in the end. That very same thought still haunts me through the years and i believe will continue to do so. I am more afraid that life gets so tough that either one of us or even, both of us give up on this. Hatred could be resolved, misunderstandings could be corrected but indifference only breeds more indifference and non-existence just adds on to more indifference.

Now I realise..

When you know what you want and what you expect, you become increasingly restless when you dont have them.

but maybe its just that the clouds have shrouded the sun again, through that thick, despair clouds, still holds the rays of hope emitting by the sun. Just have a little faith then, have faith, because it could not rain forever here, and the clouds could never surround the sun forever.

You cannot deny the existence of something simply because you cannot see it.

I don't know me... at 11/08/08 6:50 AM Sad Notes you leave for me?... (2)

10/08/08

some things take a few years to realise
Like the very fact that i actually dont really know myself, and I thought I really figured out who I am and what I could be. I understood how much more mysteries there are in me and how much I dont get myself. I took years to realise this, years to refute this and years to only come back to the same conclusion: I do not know myself very well.

Like the very fact that I have unsaid things. And its too late to say anything anymore. And it becomes this pile of crap that doesn't matter anymore whether or not its being said, then I should then forget about saying them to rake up any past.

Like the very fact that I have sorted out my thoughts and feelings finally. I knew something is wrong all these years, something is missing and something I have not done. Its just one last step to a complete and beautiful fullstop.

This shall be the last entry of such discussion and I hope you could read this and understand, if you are even reading this blog anymore.

I am sorry I have to rake up the past again, but really i promise this shall be the last time. Although I am not exactly a person with a good record of promises, but really, at least over the years i have learnt things and become sensible enough.

I was looking for answers and unusually, I found them...

The importance of you did not fade. How could it when I could so vividly remember I fed so much of myself into you, all the stories, all the pasts. Its no different now either, just that circumstances have changed but that fact still holds true.

It wasn't a lie. They were feelings that even I could not possibly fake and escape from. And the quote you constantly remembered then, I still honour it. Even if the whole meterorites of misunderstandings were to land on this world, the backs turned, I am still here indeed. Here until the day of my death. As a true friend, an ex-councillor.

If you must know, I have not forgotten, not for one day.

天已经亮了， 海阔天空， 我们都一定会幸福
诚心祝福你快乐

This is my fullstop. After leaving it to hang in the air for the past few years. Its time to bury it, a thing in the past, sometimes i think i sprout rubbish but this time, I think I've hit the nail on the head.

Dont think about the past, think about the future, the only reason why I still concern myself with my past is because its the past that make me who I am today. Its not because there are regrets that I want to rid of, or holes to be filled. Memories, then we shall let them rest where they are supposed to rest in.

Enough with sorries, I have said that too many times to you. You dont deserve 'sorry'. It really should be 'Thank you' instead. Its not only just about you being there, and the things we've done in the past. You have taught me, this span of 3+ years what essentially could be love. I have never seen that much courage from other people and really, you just need to have a little faith and confidence. I am glad that you have now someone who've seen the beauty in you, that beauty is meant to be appreciated, by someone who cares truely.

.--- ..- ... - | .. -. | -.-. .- ... . | ..- | - .... .. -. -.- | - .... . | . -. - .-. -.-- | .. ...| -. --- - | ..-. --- .-. | ..- | --- -. .-.. -.-- | ..- | -.-. .- -. | .-. . .- -.. | - .... .. ... |

Good luck, and you know where to find me always, that icon on MSN, just remember to double-click and say 'hi'. You would of course have a better chance if its late at night since needless to say, I am nocturnal.

I don't know me... at 10/08/08 8:07 AM Sad Notes you leave for me?... (2)

06/08/08

untyped, abandoned and forgotten
There were numerous entries meant to already fill this blog, when i say numerous, i mean numerous. I have typed the most random thoughts and i have typed what is truly felt but never got the time and commitment to post them. It seems everytime the heart rules over the mind, i could always reverse it in a matter of seconds right before i post each entry.

I have no idea what I've become. What exactly am I afraid of writing here, i have no idea. You mean, there are still things in my mind that I dont people to find out about? Oh yea there are. But haven't I always honoured the clarity in expressing ideas and the importance of truth? Okay not exactly, not all the time but I still take a certain amount of pride in myself that I challenge ideas and be atrocious in my ideas.

So as usual, how good can a wednesday morning get? I got up reluctantly, constantly pushing the snooze button again and again, being frustrated with myself and time, being so impatient, constantly stepping on my toes. The cold, oh yes the cold, how I convince myself to go into the shower i would never know. Then i got dressed, wonder how many breakfasts have I skipped in my life just to get more sleep. As i wore my socks, and slipped in my foot into the shoes, ready to close that door behind me, what am I expecting actually for the whole of today?

Its all the same. The same old people, same old expressionless faces that they wear, the same old pace that they walked by. Then as usual, I am hoping, still hoping for some hope in humanity, at least have faith that someone can prove me wrong that this world is not a conformed robot who talks like everybody else and does whatever everyone else does.

Is there not going to be a person on this world, that could sit down beside me so randomly and says something like, 'There isn't enough love in this world.' And hell I would agree and we could have a couple of green tea under an oak tree on a bench planning on world domination or something.

Is there no one?

Am I asking for too much from humanity? Or is humanity asking for too much from me?

When I walk on the concrete grounds, my ears oblivious to the surrounding noise, my eyes unfocus, my thoughts racing. I ignore events, occasions and people because there are more important things that are cooking up in my mind. Then I found out, the reasons why I cannot let go of the past shares the same root of the problems in my English grammer that all my English teachers have all agreed on, my fragmented sentences. I used too many commas in my life, and I normally end many incidents with commas, I have no idea where and when to place my fullstops, but i have to force myself now, to end this particular comma, with regrets that occured, with happy memories before, with many nights of words exchanged, with things only be left forgotten in the memory hallways, to think that I actually am affected and for quite a while now, but i have to change that fact now, circumstances are different and i am finally letting it rest, letting the pieces fall into their original places and finally, converting the comma to a fullstop.

now that its a fullstop, i'll ask when did we all start growing up?
I don't know me... at 06/08/08 1:48 PM Sad Notes you leave for me?... (0)

30/07/08

the imperfect bubbles
The longer I view the situation, the longer i try to explore the possibilities, i sometimes wonder do I actually lie to myself, do I actually really just live in denial most of the time.

The facts just keep jumping out all the time and I curb them. But i thought to myself, why should i curb them because in the first place they shouldn't have existed.

To say that I am weary, I might probably be exaggerating. Yet, to say that I am comfortable, I am lying.

Appear to be weak maybe. Being shot down as unable to take a firm stance maybe. Grievance unsaid, unknown and unable to be understood.

but shush, maybe its just the dark side of brain talking again, everything will be better after sleeping, it always does.

This, will pass too.

I don't know me... at 30/07/08 12:11 PM Sad Notes you leave for me?... (0)

27/07/08

start of the second semester
Tml marks the first day of the second sem, without looking back at first sem, getting H3 and H2As, I shall look forward to Semester 2 with hunger for results and determination to do well. It seems that I have finally found the steadfast me and i have not only manage to capture it, i have now lock it in a cage with 10 different kinds of locks and i'll work it to death to get my results. It seems that i have yet again let down on my initial goal of getting 8 H1s this year, meaning that i again, could not transfer to the course that i want to do. Perhaps at this point of time, knowing that no matter how well i do this yr now doesn't matter as long as i dont fail, i have a slight inclination to continue screwing around and waste my life. But my self-expectation is now taking over myself and it is demanding for all H1s for the second semester, no mistakes, no excuses and no time to play around.

It is true, that i have yet again tried to escape from realism. I have manage to totally disregard the fact that i have not done well again, it seems such a long time ago that i did well that i already forgotten what it felt like. The 1 1/2 year in melbourne has been bad. I have carried truckload of expectations and to be only to be flung right down the cliff with every single exam that i encounter. I tried my best and succeeded not to think of these depressing issues during my holiday, but you cant suppress something that would unleash itself anyway. Tonight is the night before second semester starts, i now carry myself forward as a tired but hopeful man.

i hope the spell of underachieving me would come to an end today, as it marks the end of the mid-yr holiday.

The rich text thingy is still not fixed by ebloggy, i guess i would have to stick with this font for a while.


I don't know me... at 27/07/08 10:59 AM Sad Notes you leave for me?... (1)